Getting to know Jessica

I find myself on Blogger every few weeks to see what is happening in the lives of my family and friends I follow and every time I'm on here I think I need to update my own blog! I have pictures of adventures I intend to put up and share with everyone, but life happens I guess and in this moment I find myself needing to write about something so random, but I am just going to go with it. In all honesty, if I find an hour to myself I'd much rather spend it reading a good book, but the release I find in writing is such that I am surprised I don't write more. For how "outgoing" I am ...or am labeled to be, my closest friends are my husband and my journal so you wouldn't think our blog would be too far behind, but I'm really a private person most of the time. All the same I am up for sharing and passing on what I have learned so, to start, here are some other things about me.

I love sports and I am competitive.

I don't take crap from anyone. I can be mean, harsh, heartless and brutal, but rarely without having been pushed to the limit and without reasonable cause. I'm loud, outspoken and opinionated, but I haven't always been. You learn those qualities when you've had enough from someone or something and you suddenly realize you won't ever get pushed around again so now that attitude is part of you and you couldn't be more proud of it. Not surprisingly, I am usually the disciplinarian in our house.

I am also a softy especially when it comes to my boys.

I am usually happy and upbeat rain or shine because I don't like attention, but I will ask for help when I need it.

I am not really a people-person meaning, most people get on my nerves and I get on most peoples nerves. Some days I'm not OK with not having a best-friend-girl-friend, but most days I am because my personal drama is more than enough for me.

I am a homebody and will often opt to stay home to get a break or have fun by cooking with Frank, watching a movie, playing games or hanging out with my boys.

I am very much a self helper meaning I love books that will give guidance and direction from the small how-to things to the bigger things like getting babies on schedules, disciplining my toddler and bettering myself.

I love lists. I use them for everything! Lists of what I need to do today, a list of things to do sometime this week, a list of hopeful projects both home improvement and crafting or scrap-booking, lists of ideas for dinner, lists of what is in the freezer and what is in the fridge with dates of when each thing will go bad. I could on and on naming the things I list. I like lists for a few reasons. First, I'll forget. Second, it makes my life easier and more organized. Third, it leaves less stress and clutter in my brain.

As if the previous fact doesn't make it obvious, I am a perfectionist. I'm not the type who can't stand my house to be reasonably messy, but the type who can't have things done any less than 100%. When I start something I don't usually stop until I finish it and I like things done my way and I'd rather do it myself so I can make sure it's done right and if I can't do it myself I'll double check to make sure it's up to par when the other person gets done.

Since I like things done my way, I'll own up to being somewhat of a control freak and I often turn to my self improvement books to learn how to let go of the things I can't control and not care so much about trying to control everything else. I am a person who cares too much in almost every respect and it would do me some good to care less. As a part of that, I am also a worrier and a stressor so much so that I will become physically ill and go through depressive episodes if something consumes me enough. I've kept a list (haha) of what causes my episodes and rest assured they are important and typical things: Family, finances, and my personal performance in life as a wife and mother.

The last year or so has been a journey to find myself and know myself. I don't think I could have written about myself in this way because I didn't know who I was outside of knowing I was outspoken, opinionated, an optimistic-pessimist, perfectionist, fun, happy, harsh, stubborn, witty, a mother and wife. I used to see that list and only see four good things: Wife, mother, fun and happy. I thought the rest were bad qualities. I don't know that I can tell you why I thought the rest was so bad other than in my mind I had made them so. Now, I don't see myself as a list of adjectives and nouns but as a person with a story and a personality that explains each adjective and noun and how they all make up the puzzle of me. I've found I am much more at peace with myself and can stay balanced much better than I used to, but I also know it took having an open mind and a willingness to work hard to get where I am today. I love passing on what I learn especially if it will help someone else so, this is what I have done and do to keep the harmony I have so long been seeking.

1. I went to a therapist and loved it. You don't have to have a "real" reason to go to one! I really loved going and I go back every so often when I don't know how to work through something that is hindering me as a person or causing me to have depressive episodes. They have tools to help you break down barriers and allow you to move forward.

2. The book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns, is epic and has almost every answer you are looking for with anxiety and depression and so much more whether a constant burden or an occasional occurrence....which is everyone...just fyi :).

3. Take time for just you and do something you enjoy everyday.

4. Take time out to connect with your Heavenly Father.

5. Keep a journal where you let loose all your thoughts and feelings. It's the most relaxing activity and you will get to know and understand yourself better.

6. Make the list of nouns and adjectives that describe you, then find the story of how and why each one is part of who you are. You wrote it down for a reason, it is a part of you for a reason and you either like it or dislike that thing about yourself for a reason. Finding the answers and then accepting them brings a very satisfying clarity and peace.